When Newness Wears Off

The harshness of being in a new place struck me a little bit this week, the sugar coating of the initial excitement having worn off slightly. I had gotten used to always having close friends nearby in Texas. Now that everyone I meet, no matter how nice or interesting, is still an acquaintance, I am somewhat struggling to derive comfort from this place. At Rice, I knew where I would like to relax, maybe the commons, or the teahouse, or nearby restaurants, and I would know exactly who I would like to accompany me. I would know where I wanted to have lunch because I was familiar with the menus and schedules. While it might be exciting to begin exploring the options here, there's no replacement for the comfort of knowing your surroundings.

This struck me because on Friday night, I had been really looking forward to taking a break since I feel like I haven't stopped working all week. We had an organized outing to see the new Harry Potter, which was entertaining, but then afterwards, when it's midnight in a new place, what can you do? Everyone is tired from the week and needs to rest, Boston is closing down already. I was craving coimpany but had no idea where to look. I am envious, too, of the close relationship of the people in my lab. They are all so familiar with each other and will accompany each other... it's interesting that when a group of people are really close, you feel outside the loop no matter how considerate or nice they are. I miss the familiarity of my old lab and the people in it.. that they would make sure I don't work too hard and have amusing anecdotes to share..

I am struggling a bit also with priorities. Our class is very diligent and there's an expectation that we should studiously prepare each class discussion. This makes for a productive session and interesting discussions, but it takes time from our other duties in rotation. I was excited that I would be starting something new and learning so much, and hopefully going to lectures and talking to people. But preparing experiments themselves takes so much time that I barely have any to just read and think. I am very sad about all these intrusions on my time to read and think about my own interests, as I feel like it should be the essence of my experience here. If this were at Rice, I would probably drop in to visit my mentor, who always has an understanding ear and won't fail to produce interesting food for though. But I'm not there, and emails are sparse. I have no mentors yet here.. those relationships take time too..

How do find balance? I know that with time, I will find people to be close to... it's been less than three weeks after all. But at certain times, I just wish I could be comfortable. I want to do so many things, but I feel like I'm torn by my frustrations with time and friends.. I am working too much, but unfortunately driven by the necessity of the workplace and academics rather than the passion of ideas and deep comprehension.

Dear friends, leaving has not been entirely easy.